Today, the myriad bits
Of me my brain produces,
That infest my brain, compete
Like crazy, running around,
Pouncing, biting, denouncing
Each other, carried away.
What's wrong with me, anyway?
Any secular mystic
Would instruct my warring parts
To quiet down, go away,
Enjoy this now; breathe the day.
It's sunny. It's getting warm.
You're blessed with a family,
Haven't gone broke, lost your home,
Been diagnosed terminal,
Or thrown into prison yet.
Be here freely and be free.
But who are they talking to
When they tell me the true I
Isn't me? Which? I or me?
Seems like they're talking to me.
And why would my true I need
Their advice, anyway? Why
Would a me leap to believe
The best strategy for me
Is the immediate end,
In this glowing morning sun,
Of all my fighting to be?
I know what my relatives,
Evangelical, would say.
Come back to Jesus, today.
My Mormon neighbors would say
Pretty much the same, although
What they would mean would remain
Sinful, between you and me.
More, behind desultory
Admonishments and polite
Invitations to the Church
Or the Ward meeting tonight,
Lie the vast religious plains
On which massed armies contend
For the right to command me,
Any me, including you,
To destroy or to ignore,
As god's prophecy may be,
Any other you or me.
If you ask any of these
What exactly's wrong with me,
They'll spurn or burn you, gladly.
So. Let's turn then to self help
And to the Jacob's Ladder
Of twelve rungs to the kingdom
Of blissful repentancy.
I have sinned. I'm a sinner.
My responsibility
Is mine own and mine alone,
I testify, mercy me.
I will lose weight. I will choose
To live. My longevity
Will prove my testimony.
I will recycle, really,
I will. I will redeem me,
And I will shop frugally.
I will live inside the truth
Of budgeted resources
Faithfully, eternally,
Please. Oh mercy, mercy me.
There is a truth eludes me.
No one, no body unasked
Would other than ignore me.
We give advice just to say
We heard you, now go away,
Or to pocket some meaty,
Gricean chunk of gossip
We can share with other friends
Whom we want to admire how
Well we can communicate.
What else could a body do
To survive nonsense blown through
The portals of awareness?
You've met those few who do care,
The ones with the vacant stare,
Who strain in pain to contain
The mandate of love to be fair.
A body built to compete
With a socially fine-tuned
Brain falls apart at the seams
When social rules become real.
The result is one fuzzed ant
Climbing to the canopy
To pose, throwing spores in air.
It's a cultural jungle
Out there, assuming culture
Does evolve and is out there.
Driving hosts mad is just one
Strategy among many,
Including encouraging
Hosts to fight and be healthy,
And if cancer can evolve,
Why can't culture? Two cancers
That we know of have escaped
The suicidal assault
On the body that spawned them,
One among Tasmanian
Devils that spreads by biting
Other devils in the face,
And one among dogs that spreads
Genitals to genitals
Its genome having been traced
To a single animal
Several thousand years ago.
Billions fail but one succeeds.
As cancers, so cultures go,
As cultures, so go ideas,
Including ideas of me.
One siblicidal fig wasp
Might make it out of the fig,
That pink pulp filled with fragments
Nothing inside left to eat.
And once free that creature finds,
It's just begun to compete.
Homicidal invaders
Batten on their victories
Until the next invaders
Usurp what they'd taken
As theirs forever and free.
In Texas, crazy ants spread
At the expense of fire ants,
As gods at expense of gods,
New me at expense of me.
They're immune to the venom
Of fire ant stings, seemingly
Or at least statistically.
They're disorganized, of course,
But that makes spreading easy.
They groom themselves with their own
Acid from their abdomens
And ninety percent survive
Well-organized fire ant stings
Instead of just forty-three.
There's no advantage to this
Except numerosity,
But I can't help admire them
As I wage my war for me.
I want their immunity,
To be one in that ninety,
And I want to win. Crazy.